Andaiku Pergi Dulu

A few days back, we went out to have our dinner/my berbuka puasa. I tak masak hari tu because we need to buy something beside tak buat marketing lagi. Masa masuk kat cosy house, I tengok ada sorang pompuan and budak pompuan montel cute sitting next to our table. From the moment I sit on my chair until the food arrived, the lady and I presume her daughter or adik ke, kept on starring at me. I don’t know whether I should smile or not, you tau aje la kat KL nie lain sikit tak macam kat bandar-bandar kecik lain. You senyum kat orang tu tak semestinya orang tu senyum balik. I stared blankly back at her although I saw a hint of smile on her eyes. I don’t know how to react to that. I told my husband and asked him to look, maybe to sedara I ke or anybody that I know but I totally forgotten about it. Oh my memory is very poor, don’t forget that. Husband I pun notice both of them asyik-asyik pandang I aje. I nak berborak or makan pun rasa uncomfortable. Any food yang sampai kat meja or how I eat pun both still look at me. Lastly, I buat tak tau, as if dorang tak wujud and I dapat makan and berborak dengan selesa.

Dalam perbualan pasangan season yang sentiasa asyik mashyuk ini, I tanya husband I, betul ke kalau you mati and I kahwin lain, bila kat akhirat or masuk syurga (hopefully), kita dua tak akan berjumpa? I told him, I pernah dengar a few times masa I kerja dulu from my colleague. Husband I kata, he is not sure. Then I cakap, bukan ke kalau kita kat syurga we can ask anything we want, including if we want to see each other? Mr Know All I itu pun tak terjawap. Then I cakap, kalau dia mati, I tak nak kahwin lagi sebab I tak nak tidur dengan laki lain. I kata kat dia, semua laki kat dunia nie tak akan tahan or sanggup hidup dengan I because you are the only human being yang boleh tolerate I. Kalau I happened to kahwin lain pun it wouldn’t last long. Husband I cakap dia pun tak nak kahwin lagi sebab there is only one me. And dia hairan kenapa senang-senang aje orang kahwin cerai. I kata bukan senang-senang sayang oii. The reason was maybe sebab dorang tak ngam and it’s not their soulmate. Then dia kata, maksud dia, lelaki yang dah berpuluh tahun hidup with the same bini and bila bini dia mati, dia kahwin lain.

I kata, there’s a lot of reason maybe sunyi ke etc. But dia menambah, tak kan lupa pada kenangan lalu masa pasangan itu hidup and also kalau kita cinta kat orang tu setengah mati, tak kan senang-senang je boleh beralih cinta pada orang lain? I kata, mungkin dorang fall in love lagi sekali and it is not possible to fall in love a few times in our life, some people fall in love sekali and some boleh fall in love banyak kali. Then I cakap, definitely, ramai pompuan ndak kat you, sebab you lelaki yang sangat baik and sangat gentlemen. Dia said nope and that his character might change and he may not treat the same person like he treat me. I kata, offcourse, you will stay the same, character kita tak akan berubah and we tend to be the same. Dia kata, it will, because different partner have different character that can bring something else out of us. I kata, not me and I bagi contoh for example, when I live with you, my life style is flexible and you let me get away with anything. Whether I nak masak, kemas rumah, basuh baju etc. or tak nak, you tak kisah and you tak pernah paksa or even ask me to do it. But imagine kalau I dapat laki yang asyik nak menguli I or kemas rumah hari-hari, I may not want it and I tak sanggup and I’m not used to that life style. Whatever I want to do in the house is up to me. How else they call it Queen of the house kan? I might memberontak kalau kena paksa buat something yang I tak ndak. Kalau dari muda kahwin with the same person, he can mould me but kalau dah tua-tua and dah hidup berpuluh tahun dengan the same person and suddenly, he passed away and then I start balik kahwin dengan umur yang dah tua nie, I can’t change. I want the same thing or benda yang regular yang I buat hari-hari when I was with you. And the new guy has different character because no human being has the same trait as the other person.

Lepas discuss panjang lebar pasal hal nie, both of us jalan-jalan and masa on the way turun escalator, I tak perasan but masa kita orang masuk kat coldstorage supermarket, husband I cakap, budak montel cute yang dengan that lady tu tengok-tengok I lagi non-stop. I kata, biarkan la. Nak kata I pakai lawa-lawa, alahai, sempoi yang amat. I pakai jeans, t-shirt and not to mention selipar jepun aje except for the bag. And as for the make up I pakai lip balm and eyeliner. Rambut pun I biar serabai macam minah rock lapuk. So you see, how selekeh I am? And why the heck are they still starring at me?

On the way nak ke parking lot, I sambung kisah pasal mati and kahwin lain. The other reason I tak nak kahwin lagi selain dari I tak nak tidur dengan laki lain (yela tu, tengok ber threesome pulak wakaka.. nauzubillah) was that, I tak nak harta sepencarian kita akan jatuh kat laki baru I (wah, siang-siang dah ada candidate laki baru hehe..). Bukan la sebab banyak harta or kaya-raya, not at all but I’m talking about our kereta buruk and a house that we bought. I don’t want, husband I penat-penat kerja berpuluh tahun, alih-alih somebody else claim that is harta sepencarian bersama if I happened to bercerai with the new guy kan? I would be happy to give it all to my husband’s anak buah or charity. Back to our earlier conversation about lelaki yang mati bini, kahwin lain. I cakap kat husband I, ada jugak laki yang mati bini tak kahwin-kahwin sampai tua, contoh, Mustapha Maarof. Bini dia lama dah mati tapi dia tak nak kahwin sebab dia cinta mati kat bini dia. Husband I cakap dia pun akan macam tu should it happen to him. So kalau each of us leave each other first, we wouldn’t get married again but I told my husband, if you want to get married again, go ahead, don’t worry about it. He said, no way, I’m his soulmate and his only love. Yela tu, tengok-tengok sebulan either each of us kojol, adalah pulak Raja Sehari kerepot tersipu-sipu duduk bersanding di atas pelamin dan diringingi lagu-lagu Selamat Pengantin Baru dari Saloma. Yang lelaki siap dye or gelapakan balik rambut yang dah putih and yang si pompuan sedaya upaya pakai make up tebal nak cover kesan kesan penuaan di muka wakakaka…

Masuk dalam kereta, husband I cakap, dorang yang tadi tu pandang you bukan apa, sebab you look like a celebrity. Ah sudahla… I look more like one of a survivor’s contestant yang dah berminggu tak mandi and tak makan kat some deserted island.