Thursday, October 24, 2013

Ada Lump Dalam Nenen I (Part 1)

I went to Gleaneagles Hospital last Monday for my doctor’s appointment... But let me tell you on how it all started...

About a month ago, 22nd September 2013 to be exact, I perasan yang breast I sebelah kiri rasa gatal-gatal dan pedih semacam but I ignored it as I thought nie mesti pusingan nak period ke or hormone bertukar, you know perempuan punya internal organ nie kan macam-macam, itu belum lagi I nak discuss pasal the emotional side of it.

So anyway, two nights later, I decided to have a look and when I touched it, I was so shocked because it was hard. Macam ada small lump as big as a red peas. It was right beneath the nipple but still in the areola area. Terus hati I berdebar and risau bukan kepalang. My husband said, it must be a bisul or something. I kata kalau kat tangan ke kaki ke, I tak worried but the thing is in my breast. It can be anything and ofcourse the first thing that comes to mind is the C! I cried a little bit that night until I go to sleep.

Next day I whatsapp my sisters and told them about it. They told me not to worry about it and starting making plan and my younger sister, Mbo asked me to come to Kuching and do it there so that she can look after me if it is bad news. I was so touched with her gestures. Then both of us, me and my husband, surfing for a good hospital in Bangkok. I found a few but I was sceptical because I prefer to check/do it in KL. I pikir kalau apa-apa at least I’m in my country. Starting from that onward, I jadi sangat depress. Sometime I’m ok but other time I menangis sampai teresak-esak, dah la I nie cengeng kan. Berbagai-bagai pekara bermain di fikiran I. Being the emotional and drama queen, I always think of the worst thing that could happened to me. No amount of pujukkan from my husband dapat meredakan sengsara di hati I

But bermula dari saat itu, I selalu memikirkan akan kematian, before this I selalu terpikir jugak but this time it was a different. I feel ashamed of myself for not being the good muslim that I should be. I rasa sungguh rugi after 22 years of converted to muslim, I didn’t improve anything about myself and what I should do as a good muslimah. I pikir kalau I mati nanti, habis la I kena seksa kat kubur, itu belum lagi kat api neraka. I jadi sedih bila I memikirkan what will happened to my husband if I were to fall sick and be “taken” away from him. Mesti dia sedih kan sebab tak ada kawan merajuk-merajuk dengan dia. My husband mesti broken hearted. Malam-malam I discussed dengan husband I pasal I yang bakal pergi. Husband I marah and kata I cakap yang bukan-bukan. Belum apa-apa lagi, doctor tak check lagi and you don’t know what is is dah pikir macam tu. Husband I kata, kalau dia boleh ambik whatever it is in me, he will take it immediately. Dia cakap kalau I tak de, within months dia pun akan pegi jugak sebab dia akan jatuh sakit sebab I takde sebelah... adeeih.... so tragic.. I tengok mata husband I bergenang and he quickly looked away. He said Insyallah tak ada apa-apa, don’t think about it too much. Kadang-kadang I reda dan pasrah kalau sampai sini aje ajal I tapi kadang-kadang I tak dapat terima and I go to the dark corner and cry... I risau kalau I kena operate or kalau I kena penyakit C ini siapa nak jaga I sebab husband I baru kerja. Tapi husband I kata, don’t worry about it, I pikir yang bukan-bukan and unecessary. He said it is definietly not cancer. I kata mana dia tau nie bukan? Husband I kata, kalau iya pun, sekarang kan technology dah moden and chances of recovery is very high and jangan lagi sebut-sebut pasal mati nih. He doesn’t want to hear it anymore.

Since I tak nak jumpa doctor or pegi hospital Bangkok, my husband quickly made an appointment with the doctor in KL and choose Gleneagles Hospital since dah biasa kat situ. Nurse kat situ recommended Dato’ Dr Suseela pakar cancer. But we have to wait for a month because this doctor is always bus, fully booked, the most sought after and the best. Kebetulan the timing was just right sebab on Monday I punya appointment and on Wednesday Bangkok cuti, hari chulalongkorn katanya. Furthermore my husband needs to settle all the bills yang dah due etc.

So that Monday, we went to the hospital around 9.30am. On the way ke situ, I was very quiet. Bila dia tanya-tanya I, I was either nod or shake my head meanwhile my eyes just pandang depan. He knows I was so tense during that time. But kalau tak ada kisah memang tak sah la hari kita orang kan... Bila nak masuk simpang hospital, husband I terlepas simpang and masuk tempat yang non entry/one way. Then dia pusing kat kawasan parking yang satu lagi. Akhirnya I bersuara lepas tengok dia kelam kabut, I cakap you should keluar balik sebab nak ambik parking ticket.. husband I keluar balik and pusing sekali lagi, masuk keramat, masuk jelatek and ikut jalan belakang. Normally I would either laugh at him or kutuk-kutuk or worst leterkan dia but since mood tengah down, I diam je, dalam hati I cakap, lagi delay lagi bagus... Tak nak rasanya pegi hospital, kalau la I boleh lari.

Sampai hospital kita orang terus ke clinic doctor tu, isi borang and terus pegi hospital because I need to do the ultrasound and mamogram.. I heard mamogram nie sakit base on what my neighbour and some of the people I know told me tapi sekejap aje. Masa menunggu tu berdebar-debar jantung I. Ultrasound tu I tak takut but the mamo tu...huhu..seram I tau.. I pikir macam mana la dorang nak kepit nenen I yang macam dada budak tadika nie, abis la penyek.. While waiting for my name to be called sempat la lagi I berborak dengan kakak sebelah I, dia buat x-ray sebab kedua belah lutut dia sakit and dah haus. Doctor nak masukkan besi and I cakap kakak I and mak mentua I pun sakit lutut jugak macam dia. Kalau dah Miss PR, Miss PR la jugak bak kata husband I lepas I abis berborak dengan kakak tu. Tak lama kemudian nama I pun di panggil untuk buat mamogram, glups... Masuk je I tanya kat budak yang buat tu, nama dia Aishah, sakit tak, dia kata sakit sikit and sekejap je. Dalam hati I berdebar bagai nak gila tengok machine kepit nenen tu. Lepas bukak baju, Aishah suruh I letakkan badan I dekat-dekat dengan machine mamo tu sambil tu dia adjust I punya nenen dekat plate tu. Kepala I pulak kena pusing ke tepi and sebelah tangan kena letak kat bawah machine and sebelah tangan pegang handle. Then dia explain how the machine works. She told me not to move and to stand still. Lepas tu dia pegi ke computer and benda tu pun turun untuk kepit. OMG! Sakitnya, I merengek cakap adoi la sikit, nasib baik sekejap tapi sakit oo.. Lepas tu kena buat sebelah pulak, entah macam mana part of my body termasuk sekali. I kena buat lagi sekali! Sudah! Aduhai..tak sanggup rasanya lagi. Lepas habis buat tu, sempat lagi I kata kat Aishah, hari-hari kerja adik tengok nenen orang eh.. dia senyum kata a’hah...

Lepas tu I keluar and tunggu untuk buat ultrasound pulak. About an hour later, I pun di panggil and kena tunggu lagi kat another room with some of the ladies yang nak kena buat jugak. Bilik tu sejuk and beberapa kali I kena bangun untuk ke toilet. Tak lama kemudian, kita orang di suruh tukar baju and baju persalinan I punya la buruk, siap koyak-koyak and some of the tali dah putus. Rasa macam pakai kain buruk aje.. Apalah hospital nie, nama je private hospital. Masa I keluar dari bilik persalinan tu sempat la lagi I bagi signal kutuk-kutuk baju yang I pakai nie kat one of the lady yang tengah tunggu kat situ. Seperti biasa, I berborak dengan dia. I tanya-tanya dia and dia cakap dia dah remove dia punya cancer kat breast about five years ago and sekarang nie buat follow up. Tak lama kemudian nama I pun di panggil, lama jugak I tunggu doctor yang buat ultrasound nie and sempat la I pegi buang air kecil lagi, tah mana datang air dalam badan I nie. Then doctor pun masuk, nama doctor nie Doctor Shanti and mulalah nenen ku di tunjal-tunjal. Tiba-tiba I rasa sungguh sayu sebab I risau adakah ketulan kat nenen I nie cancer, mengalir airmata I, sambil berborak-borak dengan doctor. Dia kata jangan sedih, think of a happy thoughts. I kata, I nie memang drama queen, kejap-kejap bergenang and kejap-kejap mengalir. Doctor Shanti kata don’t worry, jangan sedih. Dia kata I banyak cysts and dia explain. Then dia kata I kena buat mamogram lagi sebab dia ada nampak another small lump bawah lump yang besar kat puting I. Furthermore, Doctor Shanti nak gambar nie dibesarkan lagi. OMG! Not again..rasa macam nak pengsan I dengar. I kata ok, walau rasa macam nak lari masa tu. Dalam hati I dah nangis... Doctor Shanti nie kata dia akan suruh budak yang sama, Aishah untuk buat mamogram untuk I.

Lepas abis buat ultrasound, I buat mamogram nie balik. Masuk je dalam bilik tu, Aishah cakap this time dia kena kepit lebih lagi, I kata kat dia, please ignore kakak sebab kakak akan menjerit. Dia kata don’t worry dia dah biasa ignore benda nie semua. Procedure macam tadi, but this time, machine tu disengetkan ke kiri dan lepas tu kekanan. Bila machine tu kepit sampai abis... Ya Allah Ya Tuhan ku... sakit nak mampus!! Lebih sakit daripada yang the first round. I meraung you.... sampai terkeluar airmata, gila punya sakit, rasa macam nenen I kena tarik lepas tu kena siat!! Masa dia buat tu, I kata cepat-cepat-cepat, I couldn’t take it. Lepas abis tu I terus tengok and gosok nenen I, manalah tau meletup ke apa kan..alahai.. Budak tu suspense tengok I and pucat muka dia. Dia kata, kita rehat kejap kak untuk buat yang sebelah lagi. I cakap, tak pe dik, I want to get this thing over with.. tak nak rehat-rehat. Seriously, I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Then dia buat sebelah pulak, I meraung lagi...OMG! sakitnyaaaaa... mengeletar satu badan I. Trauma I. I gosok lagi nenen I sambil terkeluar airmata I. Aishah cakap, macam mana la kalau akak beranak nanti eh...I senyum, sempat lagi senyum tu.. I rasakan kalau I beranak mesti satu hospital dengar I meraung.

Keluar dari situ, hati I dah sedih sambil menahan nenen yang berdenyut-denyut kesakitan because the thought of buat mamogram two rounds means something is not right and that the thought of the doctor discover another lump is making me so depress. I ajak husband I keluar ke kereta sebab I nak ambik telekung, I nak solat kat hospital because it is going to be one whole day. Bila husband I tengok muka I macam nak menangis, dia tanya, how was it, I tak terkata and mata I dah bergenang, I kata nanti I cakap dengan suara yang tersekat-sekat, I tak boleh cakap sekarang, nanti airmata I keluar. But husband I tak puas hati, dia press for question. In between cries, I cakap kat dia, what happened to me, how painful was my mamogram, the thought of the lump and all. Husband I kata, don’t worry, doctor tak check lagi and report tak keluar. When my husband went to buy some lunch for us, I terus ke bilik solat. On the wa, my BFF whatsapp and tanya how it goes etc. Lepas abis I berwhatsapp dengan dia I pun masuk bilik solat and seperti biasa semua mata memandang I tanpa berkedip. I felt so uncomfortable and I know, it was because I tak pakai tudung, they think I tak layak nak solat and never thought species urban macam I nie tak solat. I dah biasa with this kind of situation, that is why I rather solat ganti kat rumah bila nak ke airport dari solat kat airport. Then I pikir buat apa la nak rasa sakit hati with people starring at me, just anggap aje dorang nie pandang-pandang I sebab terkedu tengok bidadari ke or artis ke nak solat wakaka.. Terus I senyum dalam hati. See? Happy thoughts... Lepas solat, I decided to use the toilet at this level. Toilet nie is a sliding door. Masa I nak tutup, I thought I dah lock abis. So masa I guna tu ada la I dengar orang cuba nak bukak and then masa I dah abis and nak tarik seluar tiba-tiba pintu toilet terbukak ada nyonya tua berdiri and cakap ah, the door is open, I thought nobody in sambil senyum-senyum, tekejut I, I tengking dia I kata hey! Close the door la.. dengan penuh geram. Ada ke dia berdiri kat situ sambil explain. Kalau kita, the moment kita bukak ada orang terus tutup kan. Nasib baik I bediri sipi, tapi puas la dia tengok bontot I dari tepi... ceh!

To be continued...
 
Sekian catatan I untuk kali ini...
 

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