Sedang I masak memasak tadi, tiba-tiba I teringat akan kata-kata mummy years ago. Masa kecik-kecik mummy selalu downgrade I, mummy kata I malas tak macam wo. I pikir-pikir balik nasib baik I prove her wrong sebab kalau I malas mesti I tak boleh masak, I’m not saying I’m good tapi tak ada la hebat kan. Walau I tak serajin mana, I make sure rumah I tak bersepah and bersusun, walau Ida datang every week to do the heavy stuff, I still kemas apa-apa yang patut. Then mummy kata I tak pandai dalam study unlike wo. I have to admit, wo memang pandai sebab sampai sekarang pun I still anggap wo pandai but I don’t think so I’m any less than her. Each time, report card sampai wo mesti dapat single number, either no. 1 or 2 as for me kalau tak dapat number yang ada double to tak sah la. Number belas-belas tu is my favourite’s number hehe... Naik form 4 lepas SRP result (alahai nampak betul betapa ancient nya I), wo terpilih masuk science class, as for me, class sastera maaa…. I have never jealous of wo, in fact I was so proud of her achievement, sementelah I memang sayang kat dia, although kita orang selalu gaduh masa kecik-kecik dulu.
I don’t mind mummy compare I dengan wo to the two of us or daddy but to be compared in front of the neighbours or sedara mara, I rasa sungguh rendah diri. All the years when I grew up, mummy never stop comparing me and wo to anybody’s around. Mummy said, I degil, hot tempered, and very sensitive. If she only knew, that is a trait of an artist in the making wakaka… As for wo, mummy kata wo dengar kata and baik, which is so true. When mummy start ranting those things to all the sedara-mara, they seems to agree and nod their head. Sometime, they took the opportunity to berating me too (sorang tu anak dia (the only anak) sekarang nie kudung kaki sebab accident mabuk and buat kerja kampong je and sorang tu dah kojol). You see how pathetic there are? I would imagine I’m elsewhere and not hearing what they/she said. To cover my embarassement and low self-esteem I would just smiled and laughed at her comment. Rasa macam not worthy at all. I know mummy didn’t mean to do that or upset me because what else is there to talk about when you are a young housewives, not so educated and living among neighbours/sedara mara yang ada anak jugak. Offcourse you tend to talked about things that revolved around you kan… and little did mummy know that lain anak lain character nya.
And all this while too, I thought I memang malas, tak pandai, degil, hot tempered, sensitive (itu memang yea) and all the not so good stuff. Well.. when you are always compared and told that you are not good etc.. deep down in your heart, you tend to agree with it. And sedikit sebanyak those bad things that mummy instilled in me seems to ring a truth in it or so I thought. And you tend to act the things that was said about you. When you are young and you are at the crucial age, your surrounding developed who you are.
Then I realised, I’m not what mummy said about me years ago. I’m not that bad or tak pandai. There are certain things that I know that she doesn’t but just because she’s good in her study, that doesn’t mean that I’m no better than her. What I’m trying to tell all of you is, no matter who or what kind of a children you have, please please don’t compare in between them to your neighbours, sedara mara or others because it will effects them when they grow up. In fact you should give them some encouragement, support and not merendah-rendahkan dorang. And kalau ada yang cuba nak rendah-rendahkan anak-anak you, you should defend and sided with them unless kalau anak you pelesit lain la but itupun nobody have the right to kutuk-kutuk your anak without any specific reason.
Like I said, mummy didn’t mean to make me feel how I felt back then. I tak ambik ati pun because I know who and what I am now.