Monday, December 10, 2012

Serious Update...

I've been wanting to write about this for quite sometime but I don't know why that it has to take me this long to do so until now...
 
As you all know, issue LGBT nie semakin menjadi-jadi especially issue pasal gay nie. I've been interested and curious about this for a long time. Nakkal/Beskut are the first and only my cyber friend and ym buddies that I confide too years before. The blog that I went to is not that "bad", I mean the content tak ada la yang tak senonoh (I dah lupa apa link dia). The guy didn't talk about his activity instead it was more about his artistic value... poem dan cara dia bercerita agak menarik to me but he clearly admit that he's gay.
 
The first time that I know about gay nie when I was in my teens, when media start to talk about AIDS. Before that I tengok kenapa la kebanyakkan singer or group lelaki omputih nie especially dari british macam ada ala-ala lembut and feminie with make ups and all, tau je la zaman 80'an. Masa tu tak tau lagi pasal ada lelaki suka lelaki until it was known widely. I remember I tanya Wo, apa gay tu, Wo pun explain gay nie lelaki cinta and main dengan lelaki. I was shocked! I rasa hairan, how can you fall for your own species and stab each other shit hole kan? I know bahasa I kasar but I don't know how to put it in a nicer word. I rasa sungguh geli and jijik bila I tau.
 
So over the years, ramai la para saintis busy cari ubat to prevent and penawar and at the same time, ramai orang terkena hiv/aids, either through sharing needles, sex or pemindahan darah. Kempen pencegahan hiv/aids pun bermula and celebrity omputih pun sibuk la buat foundation/research/kutip derma untuk aids nie such as Elton John, the late Elizabeth Taylor to name a few oh and not forgetting Princess Diana (my fav's - such a compassionate princess) yang telah menjadi big news masa tu kerana bersalaman dengan pesakit aids. Sebelum tu sesiapa yang bersentuhan dengan persakit aids ke or hiv, selain dari yang dari bahagian perubatan kena guna sarung tangan. Masa tu ubat-ubatan untuk memanjangkan jangka hayat pesakit yang telah mendapat aids tidak ada lagi. Within beberapa tahun sahaja pesakit yang mendapat hiv and then aids meninggal/mati. Everybody was worried jangankan bersentuhan pinggan mangkuk, sudu garpu, share tuala etc. pun orang dah takut bila tau ada kalangan dorang yang ada penyakit ini.
 
Then I remember masa I sekolah dulu but firstly I'm not referring to or saying that all budak-budak lelaki lembut or yang perempuan tomboy nie as a gay or lesbian bila besar nanti. It is just that nowadays people would normally associate the feature and that sort of characteristic tend to go to the "other side". Let me just tell you my experience and how I think about it.
 
As far as I can remember, budak-budak lembut nie selalu I temui eversince I was in a primary school lagi. There were not that many during that time, ada dalam satu dua aje, that is why there are like a sore thumb. Sometime ada budak lelaki lain ejek dorang pondan but it was seldom back then. Badan kurus-kurus and they like to mix with us girls. During that time gay was unheard off and we treat them as our own. You know, masa kecik mana ada pikir-pikir or tau pasal benda macam tu. When I went to another school I saw a girl acting like a boy, we call her tomboy behind her back. Dulu mana ada istilah pengkid. That girl punya personality memang kasar. I still remember her face and her name. Kulit badan dia hitam, rambut dia pendek tapi tidak sependek rambut budak lelaki, gigi dia jongos and berdaki kat leher. Dia jalan macam lelaki but she mix around us girls. When I was in my secondary school, there was one budak lelaki yang sungguh lembut. I still have his picture. Cara dia bercakap, berjalan and apa lagi belari memang macam perempuan and ofcourse he's always hanging out with us. Dia sekolah sekejap aje lepas tu dia berhenti and I'm very sure the reason why he left was because dia teruk kena buli and also maybe that environment tak sesuai dengan dia since dia tinggal di asrama lelaki. And I was always wondering, how did he turn out now.
 
Over the years we tend to see or met those kind off people around but we didn't give them a look or suspicious or have any imaginery thought (I la..orang lain I tak tau) until now with everybody's talking about it and dorang nie makin menjadi-jadi and mula la I berfikir lain. Sekarang nie kalau keluar mana-mana, you see lots of them around, I mean dari cara berpakaian, perawakkan, it was either pengkid or gays but pondan ofcourse la dari jauh dah tau. Normally yang I nampak, pengkid mesti couple dengan pompuan yang cun-cun and yang lelaki tanpa segan silu kadang-kadang tu ada yang berani jalan berpegangan tangan or rapat-rapat sangat and most of them akan pakai pakaian yang ketat-ketat. But ada jugak gay dalam diam yang kita tak tau but nampak macho diluaran. I'm not going to memanjangkan hal-hal luaran dorang other than how I see it. Nowadays, automatically bila I tengok tv, internet, paper and tengok ada actor/actress or any goodlooking guys/gals dalam hati I cepat-cepat cakap, oh please God, jangan la dia nie gay or lesbian. And bila tau dorang nie gay or lesbian, terus hati I cakap, not again and terbit rasa kecewa....
 
Like I said I'm more "interested" in a gay's situation. There's a few malay gay blog that I went to before. I pilih jugak blog gay mana yang I pegi. Kalau ada letak gambar-gambar dorang main or tunjuk gambar "anu", I tak masuk. Tak sanggup I. And semua blog gay yang I pegi, tak ada kerja lain, asyik cerita pasal dorang main dengan berbagai-bagai pasangan aje. Dari situ I dapat merumuskan yang dorang nie mempunyai nafsu yang sungguh kuat and luar biasa (orang yang tak songsang pun sama jugak cuma maybe I tak jumpa blog dorang or they are not that open). Hell, I'm not a pervert, I'm just curious. I don't want to leave any comment or advise them because they should know better. Tak payah la I nak cakap nabi tak mengaku umat ke, dosa besar ke. I know kita sebagai orang islam patut saling ingat mengingati but like I said they know it's wrong and yet they still do it. Deep down in their heart, I'm sure they feel guilty and know what they did is/was wrong but they just can't help themself. Lagipun I tidak layak memberi nasihat since pengetahuan I dari segi agama nie amat la ceteknya dan I bukannya malaikat yang tak ada sekelumit dosa. After a while, I stop and didn't go to that kind of a blog anymore because it sicken me. Enough la, daripada I buang my precious time reading their sick world, might as well I masuk baca blog yang berilmiah (ye ke? ke blog gossip). So over the years, ramai orang cakap termasuk I, yang dorang nie otak tak betul, sakit jiwa and macam-macam la cemuhan until I stumbled upon some of the blogs yang sungguh interesting yang I namakan a recovery gay or gay yang telah insaf dan tak buat "kerja" tu lagi. I terjumpa blog nie pun masa I tengah cari blog orang yang dah meninggal/mati. Itu la kerja I, tak senonoh. So I clicked dari link ke link.
 
And the reason why I panggil a recovery gay was because dorang nie dah insaf akibat terkena hiv. And ada jugak yang tak pernah main tapi mendapat dugaan dan bisikan syaiton yang sangat hebat untuk jatuh ke lembah hina itu. Blog dorang nie benar-benar membuka minda I. Banyak pengetahuan especially pasal penyakit hiv/aids nie yang I tak tau selama nie. Everynow and then dorang share kisah-kisah personal dorang and penyesalan dorang. Blog dorang jugak banyak memberi kesedaran, keinsafan dan berdakwah. I kan kalau lepas baca yang ada kaitan dengan agama, masa tu la insaf yang amat sangat.. and tiba-tiba kalau cakap dengan husband I, suara jadi lemah lembut gemalai penuh sopan haha.. So anyway, blog dorang jugak banyak menjawab soalan yang selama ini bermain-main di fikiran I tentang perihal gay tanpa I perlu bertanya. Dan berbagai-bagai sebab mengapa dorang nie jadi gay, either disebabkan pernah kena liwat masa kecik, dipakaikan pakaian perempuan masa kecik or memang semulajadi or should I say keinginan itu telah ada di jiwa dorang for as long as they can remember...yang last nie masih lagi hebat diperdebatkan.. I tak mau sentuh bab tu since cuma orang yang mengalaminya sahaja yang tau. Yang pasti I simpati kepada yang mengalami tekanan perasaan, berusaha keras untuk berubah dan sedaya upaya tidak terlanjur...
 
Lepas I baca blog-blog dorang, kadang-kadang hati I cakap, dah kena hiv baru nak sedar/insaf, masa buat bukan main lagi tunggang terbalik, tak ingat dunia...ish! I nie. But at least dorang dah sedar, ada keinsafan, ada niat nak berubah, bertaubat dan sangat beruntung dari segi mendapat hidayah, tak ada la macam kita yang normal tapi still buat jahat tak sudah-sudah and tak "disedarkan" oleh Allah, rugikan kita yang normal nie? Allah bagi kesenangan and kita tak perlu berperang dengan perasaan dan krisis identiti diri dalam kelainan sex nie tapi kita masih alpa. Having said that, I don't support LGBT nih, not now not ever. But I don't mind and I would love to support and bagi semangat pada orang-orang yang nak dan dah berubah nie...
 
Sekian catatan I hari ini....

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